Caring for a Picky Eater During the Apocalypse

1. Know Your Picky Eater’s Food Favorites and Keep Them in Mind When Planning Meals.

On your first date, only eight months ago, Sara told you she spent a summer as a vegetarian, by which she meant she would eat dessert three times a day. Twinkies, she’d said, were her number one go-to fave, dinner for most of that July.

So when you present her with the last box of Twinkies you had to elbow someone for at the rapidly emptying supermarket, try not to be upset when your picky eater says, “No, thank you. They changed the flavor. They’re too dry and too sweet now.”

This would be understandably frustrating. You might find yourself fuming in the government-mandated darkness afterward. In that case, eat an extra Twinkie—because apparently, no one else is going to.

2. Introduce New Foods Slowly but Consistently.

Try not to become grateful that your honeymoon to Paris was cancelled because of the end of the world. You had planned an itinerary of gourmet establishments, not knowing then how picky your picky eater was, and now you can just imagine her saying she could find absolutely nothing to eat on the menu and then asking the waiters, “Is it possible to get a BLT?”

So put new foods next to foods your picky eater already likes. For example, take those soda crackers she seems so fond of and place them all around the Honey BBQ Tuna Creation you found left behind in that looted bodega. There was a lot of it left behind, actually. You might feel like you’re trying to trick your picky eater, but she really needs to eat something besides those soda crackers. She offers some to you, but you refuse, glad that she’s eating something, anything.

3. Avoid Showing Disgust or Disinterest When Trying New Foods Yourself.

Got squirrel? Unlike humans, they seem to be thriving. So why not squirrel?

Warning: They are slick and fast. Like the one that took you three hours to catch, almost killing you in the process, when you fell from a tree. Sure, the meat is stringy and greasy and once belonged to a rodent, albeit an adorable one. But you are starving. Both of your faces are looking hollow.

When she moves the charred squirrel morsels around the plate without bringing a single piece to her mouth, she crosses her arms and says, again, “I’ve been so craving a hamburger and French fries and a vanilla shake,” try not to take it personally.

And try not to be regretful about having finally committed to someone. When you make a decision about your life, especially one that affects others, you have to live with it whether you like it or not. Plus, squirrel is delish. Don’t let her portion go to waste.

4. Forage for Foods Together.

When your picky eater has taken on a grayish pallor and has fallen into listlessness, remember she might appreciate more foods if she is part of the process of salvaging food, sneaking past the armed gangs, and sometimes breaking into the homes of people who look like they will not put up a fight. Sara might be getting weaker, too, living only on that can of crackers, about which she says, “I can’t decide if they need more salt or less salt.”

You two climb down the fire escape and kick through the Henriquezes’. An old couple, probably in their eighties. You haven’t seen them for days, so you hope they are dead and hate yourself for hoping. Don’t tell your picky eater this. Instead, be happy that you’re doing things as a couple.

5. Deal with Unwanted Food Calmly.

Let your picky eater monologue about the best pizza she ever ate. Remember to block the door as you pass the decaying bodies in the bedroom, so she doesn’t notice. You don’t want to upset her appetite!

In the kitchen, very little is left. You hold up each item for your picky eater, and she rattles off her favorite dismissive phrases. “Not a fan,” “Repeats on me,” “Do they have the organic kind?”

You might feel like breaking down then, telling her, “Dammit. Sara, c’mon, you can’t be like this anymore. We haven’t found anything to eat for days.”

She says, “Okay, I’ll try it.” But alas, she’ll only have the smallest bite. The smallest, and then fall back to sleep.

6. Plan Meals Together.

Having a hand in the measuring, pouring, or preparing of the meal will increase the chances that your picky eater will want to try at least a nibble. And then—

It dawns on you that Sara has planned this from the beginning. Not to eat, not to survive.

So that your ribs wouldn’t show (as much), so your hair wouldn’t fall out (as much). So that you would be the one to survive (a little longer).

She is sleeping a rare sound sleep, so you wait to confront her to have your first big fight. You practice everything you are going to say.

But she never wakes.

In the morning, you have your final breakfast together, nibbling from the almost full tin of crackers. (They need more salt, you discover.) These carbs will give you strength—at least enough to get moving, far away from the increasingly large gangs of marauders and into the less irradiated woods upstate.

Enjoy them for now.

Under a churning charcoal sky, sit together on the fire escape with your picky eater one last time, as if you two had made it to Paris, as if you were on a balcony overlooking the Seine.

Richie Narvaez is author of the award-winning collection Roachkiller and Other Stories and the thriller Hipster Death Rattle. His slipstream short story "Room for Rent," from the anthology Latinx Rising, was read by LeVar Burton on the LeVar Burton Reads podcast. His most recent novel is the historical YA mystery Holly Hernandez and the Death of Disco, and his latest book is the anthology Noiryorican. He lives in the Bronx.